I’ve been attacked!!!

It’s true. Let me tell you what happened....

Mummy and Daddy had to take me to the vets tonight because I need something called ‘Advocate’ to make sure I don’t get ‘fleas’ and ‘worms’ and I had to be weighed. I don’t know what either of those things are but I don’t think I want them. 

Luckily, I wasn’t there to have anything shoved up my arse today.

As we walked in, the was a big fat sweaty lady sitting down with a great big white Alsatian. I felt Daddy tense. Next thing we knew the Alsatian was on me! Madness broke out! Carnage it was. Never said a word to it. The mad f*#ker just went for me. 

I did scream more with fright than anything. I went up in the air on the end of my lead. I could feel Daddy move in (he later told Mummy he was about to ‘smack the bastard thing right in the ‘ead’) and I landed and run straight behind Daddy to my Mummy’s legs. Daddy faced the big dog. He was not a happy little bunny. I just stayed under Mummy’s legs.

The fat sweaty lady said she was ‘so sorry’ and ‘he’s never done that before’. Daddy pointed out that the ‘cowson thing’s wearing half a muzzle luv. I’m betting it fucking has done it before’. The FSL looked a bit sheepish… Mummy and Daddy had a good look at me. Luckily there was not blood and I wasn’t hurt. Daddy said ‘I don’t think the fucker managed to get his teeth into her’. He turned to look at it again. He really wasn’t happy.

A couple of minutes later we got called in to see the vet lady and we had to walk past the Alsatian. Daddy stayed between me and it and I went in, still very frightened.

When we got in to the room, the nice vet lady said she’d heard all the noise and asked what had happened. Mummy told her and Daddy was pacing around. He was annoyed that none of the ‘useless bastards’ had come out when I was screaming but said nothing. Daddy goes really, really quiet when he’s angry. You have to watch those ones…

It turns out I now weigh 9.7 kilo’s. Not a bad weight but no match for the crazy-assed heavyweight bastard Alsatian who tried to eat me. On the way out Daddy picked me up and carried me out I gave him a big kiss for doing that.

As you know, I don’t like the vets at the best of times and after today, like them even less. To be honest, given the choice, I’d have rather had something shoved up my arse than get chucked in the air by a mad German dog.

I had an accident!

Daddy took me up the park again tonight. There was just us as Daddy took me to the quiet part. It seems I had been a ‘right little bleeder’ all day and Mummy needed time to crack on with her nervous breakdown.

Anyway, we were having a great old time me and Daddy. 

The sun was out  and sinking low in the sky. I was ‘frollocking’ in the long grass when someone jumped out of the long grass. I nearly shit! Daddy did too…

It was Mikey! He’d come home from work and surprised us both by coming to the park to meet us. Once I’d got over the initial shock of some big bloke jumping out of the grass, I was sooooooooo happy to see him. I jumped around like ‘a right nutter’ and kept trying to kiss him.

He joined in with our games and started to run away from me so I chased after him. Now, Mikey is 6’4 and a bit un-coordinated shall we say. I’m off me nut with excitement and so there was a perfect storm brewing here. 

As I ran after him I suddenly ran into him and I felt a terrible pain in my right paw. F*#k!! I shouted out so loudly. Mikey fell over and I kept shouting but it was more of a ‘come quick, come quick. Something’s happened and it f*#king hurts’ kind of a yipping noise. 

Daddy came running and Mikey got up quicker than he fell. They both rushed to me and I jumped around them, yipping and licking them both. I was hurt and scared. 

We’re not sure exactly what happened but I think Mikey must have stepped on my paw with his feet ‘like bleedin’ shipping containers’ (as Daddy called them). Mikey said he never but you don’t end up limping with a dodgy foot for nothing in my book.

Never mind. It was just an accident. Mikey picked me up and carried me back to the car. I wasn’t in the mood for playing ‘Shut the F*#k up’ tonight.

When we got in Mummy made a huge fuss of me and everyone gave me loads of love and attention All night long. It’s not too bad this limping lark….

The Seaside!

Have you ever been to a place called the ‘seaside’? I have, and it was brilliant! Mummy and Daddy took me the other day and I loved it as least as much as the park. There was so much that was new to me. So much to explore.

At first, it felt a bit funny on my feet because there were something called ‘stones’ on the ground and these kept moving about a bit when I walked. Daddy said ‘Welcome to the great British beach Mills. Not a drop of sand for at least 200 miles Stones and glass everywhere. Lovely.’

Mummy had my big lead and she let me run off toward the water. I love water (unless it’s a bath. Not so keen then.) I saw a great big puddle and headed off to that. Before I got there though, the ground changed and my feet fell through the ground! I liked that feeling and just stood there. Daddy shouted at Mummy to ‘Get ‘er out of the bleedin’ mud! She’ll sod the car up when she gets back in’. Mummy was laughing at me (she thinks everything I do is cute – apart from biting and barking and pulling on the lead and going a poo on the grass and jumping up at people and tables and running off with the washing….come to think of it, maybe she doesn’t think I’m that cute) and calling me.

I wouldn’t come out until I saw Daddy coming toward me. He had that look on his face again… I knew what to do. I jumped out of the ‘mud’ as Daddy called it and ran toward him. I heard him say ‘oh soddit!’ and he turned and ran away. I didn’t think he’d like the mud too much.

I wasn’t too sure of the great big puddle so I ignored it for a while preferring to sniff around the beach. So many smells. Eventually, I jumped in the water. It was bloody freezing but, because we dogs don’t show facial expressions nobody knew. I paddled around for a while before getting out and heading for the mud. 

On the way back I couldn’t find it. It was gone! Where the f*#k? Suddenly a big lot of water came toward me. I ran away a bit sharpish. It stopped and went away. I chased after it and gave it a good shouting at. I must have annoyed it because it came back again! I legged it again. It went away, I told it off. It went away, I told it off. This went on for a while. 

Daddy said it was something called ‘The Tide’ 

The Great CockaPoo Escape (and a special game)

Daddy took me up the park today on our own. Mummy needs a rest because she is something called ‘frazzled’. I like the park very much. 

When daddy puts me in the car I shout and shout at him to hurry up and get there. Daddy shouts back at me to ‘shut the f*#k up’ so I shout back at him to ‘shut the f*#k up’ too. In the end, neither of us shut the f*#k up. It’s a special game we like to play together but I’m learning lots of bad words from daddy.

Daddy has bought me a special lead. It’s very, very long and he said it’s way better than that ‘retractable’ thing that ‘cuts me sodding fingers off!’ when he tries to pull me back. Daddy always takes me to the long grass because he knows it’s my favouritest place to play.

When I got to the grass I started to run fast. I ran and ran and ran. I have learned that I can’t keep running and at some point I will be violently jerked backwards and nearly break my neck but I don’t care-I’m running. 

Today was funny though because I just kept running. And running. No violent neck jerking. I stopped. I couldn’t understand it. I looked around for Daddy and I could see him holding my lead and he had big wide eyes and an open mouth. He looked…worried. My collar wasn’t on either.

I ran toward him as fast as I could. Daddy looked a bit happier until I swerved off to the left, ran behind him and toward the road. Mummy and Daddy don’t like me to go near them without them being around. Daddy started shouting really loudly and calling my name. I didn’t stop. I really was free. I kept running.

I got quite near the road when I turned around and saw Daddy running up the hill. Shrewd man is my Daddy. He knew I’d run after him. I caught up with him after about 5 seconds and he tried to grab me. He failed. For the next 10 minutes I kept running around him in big circles. Now he looked ‘frazzled’.

He kept calling me and offering me big handfuls of treats. On any other day I’d have loved that. But not now. This was too much fun. I ran again and suddenly Daddy dived at me (Like Gordon Banks I was luv, he later told mummy). He caught me by the scruff of the neck and dragged me down. 

Fun time wasn’t over yet though. I squirmed around an awful lot and kept biting Daddy on the fingers as he tried to put my collar on one-handed. He was shouting at me again but we weren’t playing ‘Shut the F*#k up’. Somehow Daddy got the collar on. He ruffled my head (I hate that!) and let me go. I ran off again at full pelt.

When I got to the end of my lead, the collar popped off again! Brilliant!! Daddy was doing his nut shouting at me to come back. No chance matey. Not again. Oh no.

I kept away from Daddy for about 20 minutes before he managed to catch me with something he called a ‘Lasoo’. He tied a big loop in my lead and when I stopped for a rest, he chucked it over my head and pulled it tight. I couldn’t get out of this one! To be honest, I didn’t mind too much. I was worn out. Daddy kept me on a short lead all the way back to the car and he was ‘grumbling’ and snappy with me but he kept stroking me. He was worried about me he said. I understand that but I really didn’t give a monkey’s.

All the way home we played ‘Shut the F*#k up’.

Cockapoo with a haircut

Today, I’ve had my haircut! It’s no bad thing I suppose because, according to Daddy, I was ‘sweating my bollocks off in this bleeding heat.’ I don’t really know what bollocks are but Mummy frowned at him like she does when he says something stupid (she frowns at him a lot) but whatever they are, I don’t want to sweat them off.

Mummy and Daddy took me to a place where they do ‘grooming’. The lady there was very nice and she asked Mummy and Daddy lots of questions about how they wanted me to look. They didn’t have a clue but Daddy said ‘Give ‘er a short back and sides but don’t scalp ‘er.’

The lady let me run around a bit so’s I could sniff everything, which was nice of her. As I was doing that Mummy and Daddy sneaked off and left me alone. I wasn’t too happy at this sneaky turn of events. I knew this could go either way.

As nice as this lady was I did panic a bit because I saw a big table and the lady picked me up and put me on it. I remember these sort of tables and I thought she was going to shove a thermometer up my arse too (I’ll be glad when I’m chipped). Luckily, she didn’t shove anything up my arse but she did wash me and cut off all my hair. She then put me in front of a big machine that blew lots of warm air out of it. Mummy has one she uses to dry me with but it’s a lot, lot smaller. I don’t like that and I didn’t like this either!

When Mummy and Daddy came back they were very pleased to see me and just loved the way I looked. Daddy wasn’t overly keen on the pink bandana the lady tied around my neck but, hey ho, I’m a girl. Get over it.

Luvvin' the Bandana....

It feels funny to have less hair but at least I won’t be sweating my bollocks off.

Your favourite Cockapoo does a baaaaaad thing

I did a bad thing today. If you remember, I said that I like to bite things. One of those things is washing. If it’s hanging on the line I just have to jump up and bite onto it and pull it down. It always makes Mummy and Daddy shout at me and come after me. They chase me around the garden. It really is great fun!

Me biting things

Well today, Mummy was taking all the washing off of the line and she had a big pile in her arms. As she started to go into the house, I kept jumping up and Mummy kept shouting ‘Off!!’. I had gone deaf again and kept jumping. However, for some reason, and I still don’t know why I did it, I bit her hard…on the bum!

She screamed out loud, said the ‘F’ word and called me a few names that I would have expected more from Daddy to be honest. Daddy came running out and asked what was the matter. I thought it wise to leg it and hid under the garden table. Mummy said that I had bitten her really hard on the bum. Daddy smiled and tried to supress a laugh.

Daddy, in a moment of pure comedic genius shouted out ‘Mikey, take the dogs dinner away. She’s bitten a lump out of yer mum’s arse. That’ll keep her going until breakfast!’ Mummy scowled at him and said ‘It’s not fu*#ing funny you dick! She’s really hurt me.’ She was not happy at all.

I slunk away into the living room and sat at Mikey’s feet. Daddy came in and said to him – quietly – ‘She’s just bitter yer muvver on the arse. Don’t laugh. It’s not funny…’ He was biting his bottom lip (I would have done that for him) and said ‘Keep an eye on ‘er. We’ll have to call the vet if she gets the meat sweats’. Now Mikey started laughing and Daddy had tears in his eyes. So did Mummy but for a different reason.

Mummy had gone up to the bathroom to look at her arse. Daddy shouted up to her. ‘Do you want me to ‘ave a look at it?’‘No I bloody don’t’ she shouted back at him. ‘It’s alright luv,’ said Daddy, ‘I’ve seen some terrible things in my time. I’ll be alright. Don’t you worry about me babe.’ She said ‘It’s not funny… there’s blood. She’s bitten right through…’ Oh, oh. This was bad. I’d gone too far this time.

Daddy though just wouldn’t let it lie. ‘Oh Jesus gel,’ he said, ‘We’ll have to get her up the vet’s then a bit quick in case she’s got anything. More money’. Daddy was on fire!  

She told him to ‘F*#k off’ again which I suppose is fair enough.

Daddy and Me's favourite game

Daddy took me up the park today on our own. Mummy needs a rest because she is something called ‘frazzled’. I like the park very much. When daddy puts me in the car I shout and shout at him to hurry up and get there. Daddy shouts back at me to ‘shut the f*#k up’ so I shout back at him to ‘shut the f*#k up’ too. In the end, neither of us shut the f*#k up. It’s a special game we like to play together but I’m learning lots of bad words from daddy.

Daddy has bought me a special lead. It’s very, very long and he said it’s way better than that ‘retractable’ thing that ‘cuts me sodding fingers off!’ when he tries to pull me back. Daddy always takes me to the long grass because he knows it’s my favouritest place to play.

Me on one of my park adventures

When I got to the grass I started to run fast. I ran and ran and ran. I have learned that I can’t keep running and at some point I will be violently jerked backwards and nearly break my neck but I don’t care-I’m running. Today was funny though because I just kept running. And running. No violent neck jerking. I stopped. I couldn’t understand it. I looked around for Daddy and I could see him holding my lead and he had big wide eyes and an open mouth. He looked…worried. My collar wasn’t on either.

I ran toward him as fast as I could. Daddy looked a bit happier until I swerved off to the left, ran behind him and toward the road. Mummy and Daddy don’t like me to go near them without them being around. Daddy started shouting really loudly and calling my name. I didn’t stop. I really was free. I kept running.

I got quite near the road when I turned around and saw Daddy running up the hill. Shrewd man is my Daddy. He knew I’d run after him. I caught up with him after about 5 seconds and he tried to grab me. He failed. For the next 10 minutes I kept running around him in big circles. Now he looked ‘frazzled’.

He kept calling me and offering me big handfuls of treats. On any other day I’d have loved that. But not now. This was too much fun. I ran again and suddenly Daddy dived at me (Like Gordon Banks I was luv, he later told mummy). He caught me by the scruff of the neck and dragged me down. Fun time wasn’t over yet though. I squirmed around an awful lot and kept biting Daddy on the fingers as he tried to put my collar on one-handed. He was shouting at me again but we weren’t playing ‘Shut the F*#k up’. Somehow Daddy got the collar on. He ruffled my head (I hate that!) and let me go. I ran off again at full pelt.

When I got to the end of my lead, the collar popped off again! Brilliant!! Daddy was doing his nut shouting at me to come back. No chance matey. Not again. Oh no!

I kept away from Daddy for about 20 minutes before he managed to catch me with something he called a ‘Lasoo’. He tied a big loop in my lead and when I stopped for a rest, he chucked it over my head and pulled it tight. I couldn’t get out of this one! To be honest, I didn’t mind too much. I was worn out. Daddy kept me on a short lead all the way back to the car and he was ‘grumbling’ and snappy with me but he kept stroking me. He was worried about me he said. I understand that but I really didn’t give a monkey’s.

All the way home we played ‘Shut the F*#k up’.

A little bit about your favourite Cockapoo

The good news is, because of Mummy and Daddy’s love (and monies) I’m very healthy and happy now. I can go outside and run in the parks but I have to have a very long lead on me because I won’t come back, no-way . The trouble is, when I get excited I go deaf. All the training that my family have done with me is forgotten if there’s half a chance of a tummy-rub from a total stranger or I see another dog/bird/car/anything at all within 1000 yards of me.

I’m one of those dogs that loves everyone and everything. When I see other humans I get really excited and really, really want to say hello to them. I love other dogs and really, really want to play with them too. Mostly the other dogs just move away from me because I’m a bit ‘lively’. I have a lot of energy you see and I just want to run and run and play as much as I can and I just hope they will play with me. I’d never hurt them. Never.

So that’s a bit about me. I will try and write and tell you all about my adventures as much as I can. Remind me to tell you about when I slipped my lead and Daddy nearly had a heart attack and when I bit Mummy. I’d better not mention putting a hole in Mikey’s brand new shirt which cost him 50 ‘quids’. He’s still annoyed…He loves me though.

 Here’s a list of things I love:

Everything!

It’s a short list but also a big list and it’s true. I do love everything – apart from big dogs and things that are out of their place. When I see something that’s not where it should be it drives me mad and makes me shout quite a bit. I also can’t stand pictures that are wonky.

Mummy thinks it’s funny and daddy thinks I’m a ‘mental case with a bloody OCD’. I don’t know what that means. Is it good?

I love my food...

Here's a picture of me with my very first egg. I love eggs!!

A bad time

It was a bad few weeks for all of us. Mummy was very ill, I was very ill and Mummy and Daddy talked a lot about having to find me a ‘new home’. They were tired, fed up and didn’t know what to do. I was very frightened because I didn’t want to go away again. I really tried to be a good girl, I really did but I was so unwell and didn’t know how to tell them.

Me and Jellycat having a kip.

Happily, after a lot of thinking and talking they decided to keep looking after me until I was better and then they would have another big think about what to do. By the time I got better we had all grown to love each other even more and Mummy said we were all ‘family now’. That made my tummy go warm…

I spent a lot of time going to the vets for checks and couldn’t go out for 6 weeks! I never got to play in the garden or meet other dogs. Mummy was very worried that I wouldn’t be ‘socialised’ and Daddy said ‘ Sod playing with other dogs. She’ll have to get a job when she’s better to help me pay the bleedin’ bills. Killin’ me she is!’ He loves me really.

Because I couldn’t go out, my family all played with me lots and my favouritest game is ‘biting things’. I’ll bite anything -clothes, washing hanging up, hands, toes, the rubber around the conservatory doors (always good for a laugh is that one...), Daddy’s phone, his tiny laptop, anything.

I especially like to bite Daddy. He plays rough with me which I really like and he’s trying to teach me something called ‘bite inhibition’. I don’t bite humans too hard because they break very easily and shout at me. I have little sharp teeth like ‘bloody needles they are’ and I sometimes get a bit too excited. No harm done really. Well, some harm done. I bit Mummy pretty bad once but I’ll tell you about that later. Remind me.

In which I meet the Vet

My poo’s started to get very runny and were a funny colour. Mummy said to Daddy she thought she saw something called ‘blood’. Daddy told her to keep an eye on me (which she did all the time anyway) and if it didn’t get better we would go somewhere called the ‘vets’. I didn’t like the sound of that. Things didn’t get better and late one night I poo’d out nothing but blood. I was in a lot of pain. Mummy and Daddy got very upset and took me off to the ‘emergency vet’ and that sounded even scarier.

Here I am looking all sorry for myself

When we got there all the ladies were very, very nice and made a big fuss of me because I’m ‘soooo cute’. Daddy said ‘Never mind all that. Sort ‘er arse out. It’s bleedin’. The nice ladies gave me some more cuddles and then some medicine and told my humans to get me checked out by my own vet. I didn’t have one yet…

As we were leaving I heard Daddy say he was going to ‘settle up’ and then loudly, ‘’Ow much?’ Jesus!’ 

We then got in the car and Daddy shut the door a little bit too hard before saying to Mummy ‘’Undred and eighty quid to stick a thermometer up ‘er arse and give her some bleedin’ Alka Saltzer! Taking soddin’ liberties luv! And we’ve got to take her to another bloody vet as well for chrissakes. What was the point of that then? I could have stuck a thermometer up ‘er arse for nuffing!’  Mummy stayed quiet because she knew Daddy was ‘going into one’…again. 

I don’t know what ‘quids’ are but I think it’s ‘monies’ and I was going to cost lots of it.

My humans took me to a vet lady and she was lovely and made a fuss of me (did I tell you I was cute?), gave me a kiss and then she stuck a thermometer up my arse too! I wasn’t happy and I’m learning some bad words because of my Daddy. They had to give the vet lady some of my poo in a little bottle and it had to be sent for testing. The vet lady said I also had ‘conjunk, conjuntiv,…pink-eye! She said the ‘fat ‘orrible cow’ (Daddy’s name for that lady who owned me) hadn’t looked after me at all.

As we left, Daddy had to go and ‘settle up’ again and get some more medicines. As we went back to the car (I had to be carried) Daddy was shouting about people ‘robbing him and it now costing him 250 quids just to have me buggered twice’. He was off again and I didn’t know what he meant by ‘buggered’. Mummy kissed me a lot though.

I had to stay at home and couldn’t even go in the garden while we waited for the test results. I still had runny poo’s. It was really bad.  When my results came back it said I had ‘Giardhia’ which is a very, very bad tummy bug that could have sent me to heaven. It nearly sent poor Mummy there too because she caught it from me. It really isn’t true that humans can’t get infected by dogs. Ask my Mummy…

Daddy says the times cracking on a bit and he has to get up early to do some works so we have to go to bed now. Please come back and I’ll tell you some more soon.